Gendo and the Monkey's Paw
by Supercat
Summary: Gendo finds a magical item that gives him three wishes.... However, you should always be careful what you wish for... OOOH! SCAAAARRY! (Cue dramatic music)
1. A Night Dark and Stormy

All I want to say is that I think I've finally found an idea that I can work with.... That's it. Read on, my friend!  
  
Hello. Welcome to the Disclaimer section. To read the average disclaimer, press 1. To read some strange, funny disclaimer, press 2. To contact Gainax authorities regarding the fact this is not technically a disclaimer, since it has not been mentioned that all the Eva characters and Eva itself does not belong to me, press.... Oh... wait... Nevermind.  
  
The Monkey's Paw  
by Supercat  
  
It was a cold and dreary night in Tokyo.... the rain poured down hard like thousands of sharp needles piercing through the darkness.... Not a soul was out wandering... not a soul... except a lone, weary foreigner, exhausted from his travels. He sat down in a dark alley, and got the most sleep he could....(Oooh! Mysterious!)  
  
Well, our story really starts the next morning.  
Young Gendo awoke with a startle. Mostly because he wasn't in his house. Or his bed. In fact, he was next to his new girlfriend Yui, who had gotten conveniently drunk that night. Looking back, he wondered with a fright whether he had used a "Trojan Man" (well, that's what he liked to call them). And I say 'fright' because Gendo definitely wasn't the kind to raise a child, and he knew it..... But, he soon shrugged off the feeling... after all, what were the chances of her getting pregnant, right? So, he decided to take a nice whiff of morning air, and walked out the door. Then walked right back in, since he was in only his boxers.  
After the long procedure of putting on clothes, getting sometimes confused with his and Yui's articles of clothing, like her bra, for instance, he had his walk. Wandering around Tokyo, he couldn't help but gaze at the great sites he became so accustomed to. Like the towering buildings, the lush green grass, or the occasional plague-infested rat.... Yes, truly a site for sore eyes.  
But that faithful morning, he noticed something different. Sitting down on the side of the street, a poor, grubby-looking foreign beggar had settled down, probably during the night. Actually, he was sure it was during the night, since Gendo read the script, and...wha? wait a minute... Hey!  
But Gendo soon found that there was something peculiar about this poor man... It wasn't actually the man that was strange, in fact, he was your average, smelly, looks like he's been mistaken for garbage and hurled into a garbage dumpster, thus traveling all the way to Tokyo in a truck, yes, across the ocean floor, beggar. but rather the furry object that he held interested Gendo.... he couldn't quite put a finger on it, but there was something odd about it...   
Although he usually didn't like being seen with the homeless, or being around them for that matter, his curiosity got the better of him, and he couldn't help but wonder what the furry thing in his hand was. So, he slowly advanced, still staring at the mysterious object.  
But he didn't have to take many steps, because the man had noticed Gendo peering at the object, and advanced toward him.  
"Ah! Hello! I see you seem interested in the relic I have here..."  
"Uh... Yes... What is it?'  
"This," the weary traveling bum answered,"is the magical Monkey's Paw!(BOOM! Crash! Scary thunder!) Ahem. It was bewitched by an old fakir in India, who wanted to show that 'fate ruled people's lives, and that those who interfered with it-'"  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Skip the whole intro thing.. What does it do?"  
"Um... your sure you want me to skip that? It's important-"  
"No."  
"But-"  
"Zip it!"  
"You-"  
"SupercalifragiZIPIT!"  
"Hey-"  
"ZIP IT. It's a kick in a can!"  
"Um, okay, okay... it gives you three wishes.... You just hold it up in your right hand and say your wish out loud...... But-"  
"When a problem comes along, you must ZIP IT! ZIP IT GOOD!"  
"Fine!," the bum finally said, passing the talisman his way."Suit yourself, asshole...."  
"What?"  
"Uh...I said, 'Root your cellar hole'! Really! I did!" the man answered.  
"Root your cellar hole?"  
"Root your cellar hole."  
Silence.  
"Um... Okay... Thanks for the advice..."  
So, with those last parting words, the man, newly freed of his large burden, went to find peace, forever delivered of the Ring.... um... I mean the paw.  
Meanwhile, Gendo had a slight suspicion that he didn't say 'Root your cellar hole'.... but soon shrugged it off. Gendo's smart, no doubt about it, but when it comes to situations like those, he's about as clueless as Dr. Evil...  
  
Well, anyway, with this new gift clutched firmly in his hands, Gendo waddled off in joy. As a matter of fact, he was so happy he almost skipped! But he didn't. And all those who can imagine Gendo skipping, seek mental therapy. Immediately.  
Although, truth be told, he was happy to have it, he soon found he didn't really need it that much. He considered the whole rich and powerful thing, but he decided he didn't need a stupid, chopped off, rotting animal paw to achieve that. And, has the years went by, he married Yui and became commander of.. um.. that place that later got named Nerv... And, unexpectingly, he and Yui had a baby boy...(Damn! I knew I should have used a Trojan Man!). To sum it up, he found happiness without the aid of the paw, and he simply placed it in the desk drawer in his office.  
But, soon, disaster struck! (ta, da, TTTAAAA!! Dramatic music!)  
They were testing the proto type Unit 01 Eva, and, it went horribly wrong... The experimental pilot Yui Ikari, Gendo's wife,....well.... you know.... kicked the bucket, sleeps with the fishes, off to a better place, went bye-bye, drank Redbull and grew wings...etc.  
Gendo's co-workers thought that he toke it pretty well (especially Naoko Akagi, who, apparently, thought it was more of an opportunity to screw around), but the truth is he didn't take it well at all. Okay, let's picture Gendo's heart seconds before the "tragedy"... okay... visualize...See it? Isn't it happy? Contracting, relaxing, contracting, relaxing...it's almost...hypnotizing..like those snot bubbles when anime characters sleep...such a hidden beauty..and..uh..Ahem.. well, anyway, as you can see, it's fine right now, but if we go a couple seconds ahead.... SQUEEZE! TWIST! WRENCH!...crack.. wheeze...cough.. Ow. That must have hurt. Let's see the replay: SQUEEZE! TWIST! WRENCH!... crack.. wheeze...cough.. Yeah. Not very pleasant. Let's just say he's covering it up REAL well.  
So, his heart torn to tiny, itty bitty cuttsey wuttsey little pieces, on a night dark and stormy, not unlike the night in which this story commences, Gendo found the paw in the drawer, just as he had left it, and he wished his first wish....  
Standing in the great underground depths of Nerv, and grasping the paw in his hand, he yelled with all his might, "I WISH MY WIFE ALIVE AGAIN!"  
  
********************************************************************************************  
  
Unless if you've already dismissed this fanfic as stupid, tune in next time to see the dire consequences of Gendo's wish! Unless, of course, if you already guessed what happens.... Or, unless, of course, if you've dismissed this fanfic as stupid AND you already guessed what happened.... Or wait.... uh.... wha.. AAHHHH!!! MY HEAD! THE PAIN!! *smash* *smash* *smash*. Ahem. I'm okay now. Either way, please review. Oh, by the way, I plan on finishing this... as a matter of fact, it's all in my head (well, most of it), so I basically just need to type it down. 


	2. Jacques, the Ghost Monkey

"I've finally found an idea I can work with".... What? Did I write this? Honestly, sometimes I have no idea what the hell I'm writing.... Anyway, on with the story:  
  
Disclaimer: Dammit. I'm running out of funny ideas for disclaimers. So, sigh, here's a normal disclaimer..... Eva and all it's characters don't belong to me. They belong to the giant tutu wearing gorilla named Pheobe who roams the streets in search for ballay schools that will enroll primates. What? Why are you looking at me like that?  
  
In the last chapter: Gendo gets the paw and wishes for Yui to be alive, pretty much.  
  
The Monkey's Paw  
  
by Supercat  
  
The paw writhed and squirmed in Gendo's hand, and he dropped it in disgust and astonishment.  
  
"Holy shit! Is that thing alive? It moved! I swear it moved!", he yelled to himself. He glanced at it again, to be sure, and saw that he had not been imagining things. It was writhing on the floor frantically, erupting into long, disturbing spasms. Sincerely perturbed by now, he kicked the object aside, into a dark corner.  
  
Suddenly it dawned on him what he had just done. Now he wished he had listened to what the bum was warning him about when he first obtained it from him. Then he remembered what he wished for.... For Yui to return. So, he waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more, then finally realized that nothing was going to happen.  
  
"Ha! This thing's just a hoax! A phonie! A fake! A fraud! a sham! A flam! A flim-flam! A... um.. thing that's not real! Yeah!" He said, throwing his thesaurus down.  
  
Feeling a little disappointed that he was still a lonely bastard, but slightly relieved that nothing freaky happened, he went home. And, just for the heck of it, waited some more.  
  
============================================================================================  
  
Ah, Another beautiful day in Tokyo 3! The birds were chirping and children were playing, and everyone was oh so happy! Well, everyone except for a Mr. Gendo Ikari. This grumpy old mess of a human being was trying his hardest to be miserable and depressingly cold it seemed, just like every morning of his monotonous life.  
  
That very morning of which I speak, Gendo went about in his usual ritual, like nothing had happened that night. Get up, take a shower, eat breakfast, brush teeth, go to work... you know the drill. His life was, to say the least, incredibly dull.  
  
But this way, at least he could be aware of one thing, one thing that he actually enjoyed to think about.  
  
"Everything is going according to plan."  
  
===========================================================================================  
  
Gendo had been siting in his bleak, uninteresting, and ridiculously huge office for quite a while now, perfecting his patented "Hands in Front of Face" position, when, suddenly, he felt the undescribable craving for bubble gum. So, rising from his chair, he headed for the secret bubble gum machine that he had placed in Terminal Dogma just in case he ever had the craving for, you guessed it, bubble gum.  
  
After a long, perilous, and tiresome treck across his office, he finaly found the door that led out of the room and into the corridor.  
  
"Damn ridiculously huge office...."  
  
However, he knew it didn't matter how ridiculously huge his office is, because nothing, and I truly mean nothing, could ever get in the way of Gendo and is bubble gum.  
  
The commander of Nerv reached his desired destination generally unhindered, but with some admittedly mysterious burn marks. Well, anyway, he walked right into Terminal Dogma and was immediately struck with surprise... and a large, protruding metal rod that had not been there before.  
  
"Shit! What the hell was that!?"  
  
After he got up from his dazed stupor, he looked about, and was indeed genuinely surprised by what he saw in the room. It seemed something had.... changed. He wasn't quite sure how, or what exactly had changed, but something was definitely new. Something he had never noticed before. He looked very carefully around the room, double checking everything, so he could pin point what exactly was different. After a long time and some strenous analyzing, his razor sharp mind finally discovered the abnormality.  
  
In dead center, surrounded by long, thick cables, stood a giant tank labeled "CLONETRON-5000," filled with what seemed like yellow colored water and, this was the oddest part about it all, young female bodies.  
  
"Heeheehee... is that pee?"  
  
...  
  
But, as you can see, the only thing on the Commander's mind right now was bubble gum, which was greatly obscuring his normally sharp senses... Oh, let's face it. He's a dumbass. Humanity's doomed.  
  
At any rate, this new addition to Terminal Dogma was ignored, incredible as it seems, and Gendo proceeded to try and find his precious bubble gum dispenser.  
  
"Now, where the heck did I put that thing?" he said as he wandered aimlessley about, searching under piles of various junk for his light and joy. "I could've sworn it was somewhere near here... Yeah, close to this big thing... Maybe it's--"  
  
Then, like a flash, his train of thought was abruptly interrupted, and a look of utter horror crept across his features.  
  
"My god... No... No...." said he, and collapsed on the floor in desperation, edging his way slowly to what had caught the hollow of his eye. "It can't be... It can't..." His hand reached out feebly and clutched what looked very much like a very deformed and twisted piece of metal... Possibly, no, probably, the part of a bubble gum machine where you have to insert a coin. Half of it was wedged beneath the large tank, and the other half he held now had been snapped off due to the sheer force of which the machine had been crashed. "DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU CRUEL WORLD! WHY GOD, WHY HAST THOUGH FORSAKEN ME?!? ALL I EVER WANTED IN LIFE WAS BUBBLE GUM! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!? DOES THAT DISRUPT YOUR GRAND SCHEME, GOD, HUH?!?? HUH?!?!?!? Oh, and I also wanted a wife, too. BUT BACK TO THE GUM! I HATE YOU, GOD! I HATE MY LIFE!"  
  
The pathetic excuse for a man broke out into deafening, heart-wrenching sobs, and curled up into a fetal position, twitching and shaking in agony... Think Shinji whenever he gets sad and whiny. Pretty pitiful, huh?  
  
"I resent that."  
  
Screw you Gendo, I'm writing the story, so you're my BITCH! Ahem. Anyway, it was soon after then that he rose up, still sniveling, and started to bang mercilessly on the glass tank, as though hitting it up with his fists would somehow bring his gum machine back.  
  
"IT'S ALL THIS MONSTROSITY'S FAULT! I'LL DESTROY YOU!" He howled to no one, and then, addressing the slab of metal, caressing it gently, added, "I'll salvage your broken pieces, my tender, and erect for you the most glorious statue that ever did touch this earth's wretched surface..."  
  
And then, for the first time, Gendo actually bothered to pause and look at the tank... FINALLY. Thank God.  
  
"Hey," he muttered, calming down considerably, "Just what exactly is this thing, anyway, and how'd it get here?"  
  
That's a good question. Well, instead of leaving this dimwit in a daze, staring at it for hours trying to figure out what's going on, something very convenient happened. Out of thin air, a scraggly, sincerely creepy simian voice uttered, "You wished for your wife back, didn't you?"  
  
"WHOA! Who said that?!" bellowed our uncharacteristically jittery protagonist, who jerked his head in all directions.  
  
"Over here, you fool. In the corner where you threw my paw last night."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Indeed, floating conspicuously above the discarded paw, a monkey's shimmering, translucent ghost addressed Gendo. It looked just like any ordinary primate, except, well, dead. You know... a bit corpsey and rotting. Also, the apparition's right hand was noticeably missing. Well, this ghastly creature certainly shook Gendo up, and he began shivering anew.  
  
"A.. Are you here to h-haunt me?"  
  
"No, no, no, you moron! What kind of a monkey do you think I am?!? Sure, it sucks that my paw is gone, but I frankly don't really care all that much. Plus, you're not the fakir who sliced it off, nor are you even slightly related to that fakir, so why would I haunt you? Jeez, you humans are so stupid sometimes."  
  
"Err... Sorry... Well, then what are you here for? And what's that thing?" he said pointing to the tank.  
  
"Okay, listen up, and I mean listen. The last guy who had the paw tried to explain the situation, but you didn't give a damn! And now, look! You've got a giant tank filled with creepy young girls in it, and you don't even know why! I, as you may have already guessed, am the spirit of that paw's monkey... er... the monkey of that paw's spirit... no, that doesn't sound right, either... ARG.. I'm a fricken ghost monkey, and that," said the clearly quick tempered creature, "is my paw." The ghost monkey paused a bit for emphasis, took out a ghostly cigarrette, and lit it with a clear, ghost-like lighter. "Now, once again. Last night you wished for you're wife to come back, right?" Gendo gave a slighlty reluctant nod to these words. "Okay. You see, all those girls in that tank over there? Look at them a little more closely."  
  
With these words, Gendo turned his head to look at the CLONETRON-5000, and concentrated hard on the girls. He examined every possible aspect, every nook and crany... Then stopped, realizing he was staring at a tank full of young naked girls.  
  
"Aawww... That's sick! Are you some sort of pedo... p-pedophilai.. pedophiliacoid or something?!?!"  
  
"Pedophiliacoid? What? That's not even a real word." The monkey sighed in exhaustion. "Geez, you could run for president of the United States." Gendo raised his eye brow conspicuously and, before he could get any strange ideas, the monkey apparition got straight to the point. "If you had bothered to look at the girls' faces, you'd have noticed that they all look just like you're dead wife Yui, except younger, and since they are imperfect clones, with blue hair and red eyes."  
  
Gendo turned his attention back to the large container and noted that, indeed, these little girls looked astonishingly like Yui. They were perhaps 4 or 5 years old, a very young age at any rate. As the monkey pointed out, a noticeable difference was that the young girls' hair was a light sky colored blue, and the eyes were a vibrant, rich red. Additionaly, their skin was intensely pale.  
  
"Wow... They're the spitting image of my lovely wife!" confirmed Gendo. "Wait a minute," he continued, "does that mean that last night, when I wished for..."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"So, instead of getting..."  
  
"That's right."  
  
"Then this means that..."  
  
"One hundred percent correct."  
  
"And now it's going to be my responsibility to..."  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"WOULD YOU QUIT CUTTING ME OFF?!"  
  
"Oh... Sorry," came the monkey's sheepish reply.  
  
The creature paused a bit to let this beautifully articulated revelation sink in.  
  
After a couple of seconds, Gendo began sputtering out an odd jumble of words. "But... but... What? How...?"  
  
"The answer, my friend, is very simple;" replied the monkey, "it all begins with the fakir who bewitched my paw. He was a very holy man, and quite wise as well. The reason he bewitched my paw in the first place, and I quote from some random guy who wrote a story about my paw hundred or so years ago, is that 'he wanted to show that fate ruled people's lives, and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow.'"  
  
"Oh."  
  
Awkward silence prevailed.  
  
"I guess I probably shouldn't have wished for my dead wife to come back, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, that was a bad idea. You see, essentially, you got your wish in a way, because these girls are clones of your wife and that angel Lilith you keep in the basement."  
  
"The weird angel thing? What? Oh! You mean that giant stay puffed marshmellow thing I won at that frat house party?"  
  
The monkey's mouth dropped open.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You... you don't even know what that is, do you?"  
  
"It's a well earned prize, that's what! I had the most booze, not to mention the highest count of felonies at that party! ...Why, does it do something special? Like shoot fire or something like that?"  
  
"Uh... no. Just... Ah man. You really have no idea. Listen, I gotta go pal, so you're on your own now." The monkey's spirit was about to drift off, when Gendo suddenly shouted after it.  
  
"Hey, don't leave yet! How do I.. uh.. turn this thing on?" He then pointed to the tank.  
  
"Oh, that thing. There's a huge red button somewhere that spews one out when you press it. Be careful with it, though, you should only have one clone out at a time." Again, the ghost turned to leave, and was suddenly interrupted in his flight.  
  
"Wait! Wait! What am I suppose to do with... her?"  
  
For what seemed like the hundreth time that day, the tired monkey soul sighed. He honestly just wanted to get the hell out of here... Why did it have to be HIS paw, huh? However, like any good sport, he replied anyway: "Damn it, I don't know! She's yours now, though, so you might as well take good care of her... You know, give her a name, raise her, and all that other stuff. Oh, and if I ever have the misfortune of seeing you again, you might as well know my name... I'm Jacques. I hope to never gaze upon your ignorant face ever again. Good-bye." With that, Jacques took off. Meanwhile, the people reading this fanfic wondered why the stupid author named him at the very end of the chapter. Meh. One of the universe's mysteries I suppose.  
  
Forced to confront this newfound fatherhood, Gendo quite unexpectedly, wept. "I'm gonna be a DADDY! WOW. I've never felt something so rewarding before!"  
  
Somewhere not too far away, a puny kid named Shinji got his ass whupped for no real reason.  
  
"I mean, I wouldn't know where to start, though... Buy clothes, I suppose?"  
  
Next, poor little Shinji was given the hugest wedgie ever in the history of mankind.  
  
"Man, I hope she's not a picky eater. I suck at cooking."  
  
The little tyke was then thrown into a trash can...  
  
"And then there's always the issue of helping her out with homework and such..."  
  
...And rolled down a very steep hill...  
  
"Damn! What if she needs glasses?"  
  
...Into the famed "Museum of Incredibly Nasty, Smelly Pieces of Shit That Will Most Definetly Leave a Life-long Stench on Your Clothes No Matter How Long You Scrub, and Will Make You the Biggest Loser for as Long as You Live if You Happened to Fall in Them."  
  
"Ah well," came Gendo's cheery voice, "These sorts of things must be addressed one step at a time, right? I guess soon I'll become a father."  
  
Gendo had his thumb positioned right on the big red button of the CLONETRON-5000, and just he was about to press it, a thought sprung to mind.  
  
"Wait a tick," said he, with an excruciatingly perplexed look on his face, "Monkeys can't talk!"  
  
END OF CHAPTER 2.  
  
================================================  
  
Well, that's the end of that. Fairly short, I know, but not bad after such silence, and longer than the first chapter. And now, I leave you with these THOUGHT PROVOKING QUESTIONS!  
  
WHAT WILL GENDO NAME THE RED EYED, BLUE HAIRED YOUNG GIRL?!  
  
IS SHINJI REALLY THAT BIG OF A LOSER?!  
  
WILL ANY OTHER CHARACTERS OTHER THAN GENDO FINALLY COME INTO THIS STORY?!  
  
WHY IS GENDO SO INCREDIBLY OOC?!  
  
ISN'T "JACQUES" A COOL NAME FOR A MONKEY?!  
  
WHY AM I WRITING IN ALL CAPS?!  
  
ISN'T THIS GETTING ANNOYING?! 


End file.
